The Secret to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s Success

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been making headlines recently, embroiled in a scandal involving a video that allegedly shows him smoking crack. Add that to the pile of other scandals that include: alleged sexual harassment, alleged excessive drinking, and generally being a dick… allegedly. How did such a boorish man ascend to the highest office in municipal politics? has uncovered the disturbing secret in this photograph–


Look a little closer–


That’s right, Gray’s Sports Almanac.


Ford’s successes in life can all be attributed to this book;  a collection of sports statistics from the future (well, up until the year 2000, but I’m sure he got it before then), which would have allowed the Mayor to exploit knowledge from the future for his own financial benefit. How did he obtain the book? We can only make guesses at this point– presumably, someone from the future, possibly even his own future old man self, somehow stole a time machine, and delivered it to him, thus altering our reality and creating a divergent timeline.

This may seem far-fetched, but it’s literally the most plausible explanation for how this guy became the mayor of a major city. Need further proof? Just check out an artist’s rendering of the casino Mayor Ford has been actively pushing–


Of course, all of this implies that we are all living in an alternate timeline that never should have been… but in a way that’s kind of reassuring. If life’s not going exactly as you planned, just blame it on the alternate history we’re all living in… I know I will.

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